So it didn’t seem coincidental at all when Miss Loi got a call from her tiong chia (ala car modification) cousin from KL (Kuala Lumpur).

Oi Leng Lui! 这个礼拜雪邦那里有的去赛车。一起去要不要？几够力一下喔！

translated: “Hey Miss Loi! There’s an auto racing track day at Sepang this week. Shall we go together? Should be fun!”

Not passing up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to test out her car’s new intake, exhaust, rims and brake pads, and recognizing there’s NO WAY test them (legally) on Singapore’s roads (nope not even on Singapore’s F1 ‘track’), she quickly agreed and headed to meet her cousin 280 km away at the next-nearest official F1 track – the world-famous Sepang International Circuit!

Where several kilometres of 15 scintillating turns lie in wait to challenge the boldest of all Ah Beng tiong chia kias and racer wannabes.

Sepang Internation Circuit (Ooh yeah!)

She soon found herself wandering along the pit area, where her senses were quickly overloaded as she came face-to-face with rare exotic sports cars of all shapes and sizes (and engine loudness).

Cars like these Sleek Lotuses …

The ubiquitous Honda Type Rs with their special R-Formula…

Porsches …

And even a flamin’ Lamborghini!

But when she got to these two fierce-looking WRXs however, a familiar voice boomed out across the pits, to her horror …

Twin Mean WRXs

Miss Loi! What are you doing here?!!!

It was her Japanese Project A bosses – the Takahashi Brothers!

How … how come the both of you are here? Where are your RX-7s???

Speaking through a translator who was present with them,

We are here to test our new WRXs. How dare you sneak out here without our knowledge! You must be severely punished for this!

No! Please forgive me! I’m here because I need a break from all the non-teaching duties I’ve been given! I’m a maths tutor not a MOE teacher!

pleaded a desperate Miss Loi, upon which younger brother Keisuke whispered something in Ryôsuke’s ear.

Well … since you’re already here … let’s have a little race. I will let you off this time if you can overtake the both of us before the track closes for the day.

Miss Loi had no choice. And thus without further ado, they hopped into their respective cars, donned their helmets …

Like a confident lamb to the slaughter

Filled the afternoon air with eager roars of their engines as they lined up and revved in anticipation …

Gentle(wo)men, Start Your Engines!

… of a race where no Sexy Maths Tutor had raced before.

BATTLE STAGE!

Predictably, the Takahashi Brothers pulled ahead right from the start, leaving Miss Loi trailing in their smoke as the monster WRXs disappeared swiftly into the distance.

To make matters worse, other cars were also zooming past her left, right and centre throughout the next couple of laps – as if she wasn’t there:

It was over before it even began, and a disconsolate Miss Loi limped her car around the track – resigned to whatever inhumane punishment that awaits her when she gets back to Singapore.

不是吧？Leng Lui 这么快就放弃了？你经常跟我说你怎么教你学生在考试里就算题目多么难也不得放弃！一定要尽力做下去。拿几分也好过交白卷！

translated: “Miss Loi are you giving up?! I thought you always teach your students NEVER GIVE UP no matter how difficult the questions in the exam appear to be? It’s better to score a few marks than hand up a blank piece of paper!”

It was her KL cousin speaking to her from the walkie talkie, having driven alongside her car on the track.

跟我来！让我这个大马车神教教你！

translated: “Follow me! And learn from the Car God of Malaysia!”

And so in what was an intensive Last-Minute Buddha Foot Hugging Jφss Sticks Session on track driving, Miss Loi followed her cousin’s car around the track, listening carefully and trying her utmost to follow his instructions that was bellowed through the walkie-talkie set.

After several hair-raising incidents when she doubted if she’ll ever make it back to Singapore to conduct her own Jφss Sticks Sessions, Miss Loi slowly but surely gained a measure of control of her car – like a rider taming a wild horse.

Soon she was feeling at one with the machine, flying through the track at speeds unheard of on Singapore’s roads (at least to her), emboldened by the comforting fact that there WON’T be a traffic police car lurking around the next bend, or a sneaky traffic warden snapping away behind some bushes.

Meanwhile the Takahashi Brothers, being many miles and laps ahead of her and confident that victory was in the bag, began to ease off and turned part of their attention to discuss (through their walkie-talkies) what punishment Miss Loi should receive when they get back to Singapore …

At this juncture, the Takahashi Brothers are lapping at a leisurely pace of 4 minutes per lap. They are 10 laps ahead of Miss Loi and are side by side with Miss Loi at the start of a new lap.

The following is Miss Loi’s speed-time graph for a single lap (Note: all acceleration and deceleration are linear, and readings are to be read off to the nearest half graphical unit):

Miss Loi's Sepang Speed-Time Graph (click to enlarge)

Assuming that the Takahashi Brothers’ and Miss Loi’s respective lap times remain unchanged for all laps henceforth, use the appropriate information from the graph to determine if Miss Loi is able to overtake the brothers if there are 90 minutes left before the track closes.

* Readers should be aware that some parts of this story are entirely fictitious, especially that speed-time graph!

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

PROPERTY OF THE SEOUL METROPOLITAN POLICE AGENCY
*************************************************

CASE NO.: 110629
DATE: 29 JUNE 2011
LOCATION: 서울특별시 남산 남산공원길KM 3
(KM 3 NAMSAN PARK WAY, NAMSAN-DONG, SEOUL - 300M FROM SEOUL TOWER)

DESCRIPTION: UNPUBLISHED BLOG CONTENT RETRIEVED FROM IPHONE RECOVERED AT LOCATION

*************************************************

Good morning Mdm. Good morning Sir. My name is Miss Loi and I am a Maths Tutor.

Life under Project A is tough.

When Miss Loi was being tricked into selling The Temple to the Takahashi brothers, little did she know that she had sold herself to a life of servitude.

Since then she has been banned from all blogging activities, and her usual shopping trips and Tuesday day-offs have been cruelly rescinded.

This was done, in her new bosses’ opinion, so that she can focus on her new role of “leading the company’s educational development and strategy in Singapore” – which currently involve very long hours of Leticia Bongnino-like chores – from scurrying around to pour sake into the brothers’ glasses whenever they’re empty, to carrying their young nephew’s schoolbag on his way to the Singapore Japanese School, to washing The Temple’s corridor as well as clean out the lizard **** from the corridor lights every Sunday

So imagine her unbridled maid tutor-like joy when they ‘magnanimously’ allowed her to finally take a break and go on a trip to South Korea, only because it was her birthday (Oh thanks for all the birthday wishes!).

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.

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Unfortunately, any semblance of ‘body’ in her hair-do was instantly annihilated by the buckets of rain that fell on her the moment she landed in Seoul. As a result, she had to flee to the shelter of her hotel room, where she took a warm shower, grabbed a cup of coffee, and proceeded to spend the rest of the day watching with amusement people’s hair-dos being annihilated by buckets of rain falling on the streets below.

Day One itinerary
- watch locals’ hair get destroyed by rain

By the second day, she knew that she had definitely been on better trips to Korea.

Day Two itinerary
-watch locals’ hair get destroyed by rain (from another window)

The rain finally eased on the third day, and Miss Loi (along with fellow guests) slowly emerged from her (by now very familiar) hotel and ventured outdoors to visit some of the world-famous tourist sites that Korea is known for.

Like the world-famous Gyeongbokgung Palace.

Entrance to Gyeongbokgung Palace

And the world-famous Banpo Bridge Rainbow Fountain that has been featured in many romantic Korean dramas.

Banpo Bridge (with imaginary fountain)

This time, she even made it to the world-famous tour to ‘view’ the world-famous North Korean border at Panmunjom.

Th ever-secretive North Korea (do not adjust your monitor)

At least she was spared from further fog-induced cataract vision during the Cookin’ Nanta! performance (which was hilarious BTW).

Cameras were disallowed so had to steal borrow this stock image

But when the fog ruined her planned birthday dinner with a ‘romantic view’ at Namsan Seoul Tower, she decided enough was enough and proceeded to return to her hotel.

Seoul’s top-secret long-range missile launch site at Namsan

Unfortunately, that happened to be the moment the fog was at its thickest yet – smothering the slopes and engulfing Namsan in a tight embrace as it rolled in like a scene off a Stephen King movie.

Nevertheless, she set off firmly in what she believed was the direction of the taxi stand. Such was her desire to return to her warm hotel room that a long-forgotten incident of her being discovered holding a map upside-down remained … umm … firmly forgotten.

Slowly but surely, the path got darker and the crickets chirped louder, but Miss Loi was dead sure that the taxi stand was still ‘just around the corner’.

Obviously, you don't expect Miss Loi to take pictures here hence another stock image

The fog got to a point where she could barely make out the intricate patterns on her manicured nails, and it took a distant howl from an unknown creature to remind her that her ‘corner’ could not be farther away.

With thoughts creeping in of werewolves and zombies and that evil girl from A Tale of Two Sisters lurking just beyond, her pace got faster and her heart beat louder.

Realising in panic that she might be lost, her ‘mental compass’ (if one exists in the first place) went into a tailspin as she spun round and round (like a record, baby right round round round) across bearings 000°-359° in search of any sign of life within the shapeless fog – Blair Witch-style.

Just when she was resigned to spending her x^th birthday night cold and alone (maybe not!) in the woods, the unmistakable roar of an engine broke the silence and salvation duly arrived in the form of a black taxi that pulled up alongside her.

Obviously, Miss Loi was too elated for pictures at the time
so you’ll have to live with this earlier photo of a similar taxi

Ignoring every warning from her mother about “not hopping into mysterious cars”, she launched herself into the backseat of the mysterious taxi and shouted the name of her hotel to the driver, who then turned around and muttered to her in Korean something about the fare.

Being pretty used to the cheap taxi rides in Seoul and desperate to get out of this godforsaken place, the fare was the last thing on Miss Loi’s mind so she impatiently told the driver to get moving.

The smooth rev of the accelerating taxi couldn’t have sounded sweeter, and she was further delighted to find a mini-TV screen embedded in the seat in front of her – so she leaned forward to catch the local news that happened to be broadcasting at the time.

With her rudimentary Korean and from the TV images on the screen, she managed to roughly piece together the following breaking news story:

… several people are missing … all of them were last seen boarding a taxi … police on the hunt for a mentally-unsound taxi driver … police appeals to public to report immediately if they see the following person … *shows file photo of suspect* …

… who happens to be the taxi driver in front of her!!!

Having heard the news himself, the taxi driver smiled and said to her in halting English,

Don’t worry I only punish those who cannot pay. You rich tourist sure can pay! *points to fare table on window*

As she watched with indescribable fear the taxi meter jumped and jumped and jumped at an astonishing rate, she hurriedly called Mr Loi for help.

… 1800 … 1802 … 1804 …
Obviously, Miss Loi was too frightened to …[photo source]

BRO! HELP! I’M CAUGHT IN A TAXI DRIVEN BY A MAD MAN! AND IF I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY HIM YOU WON’T SEE ME AGAIN!

Yeah yeah yeah, another of your silly April Fools’ jokes. It’s already July for goodness sake!

I’M NOT JOKING! I NEED TO CALCULATE IF MY ₩200,000 IS ENOUGH FOR MY 3KM JOURNEY! I THINK NEED TO USE A.P. IN ‘A’ LEVEL H2 MATHS! BUT I’VE LOST TOUCH ALREADY SINCE I HAVEN’T BEEN TEACHING H2 MATHS FOR A WHILE!

Oh that’s simple. You just have to first identify the pattern flow, then determine the total number of terms in the progression …

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.
.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

“Miss Loi, I can’t come for tuition today! Coz … I … I … got a date ”

“Miss Loi, for the sake of my future PLEEEEEEZE excuse me from tuition today! I don’t wanna be a monk!”

“Miss Loi, today cannot come. Got char bor tonight.” *hangs up abruptly*

And so, armed with a sudden abundance of time after being predictably spurned by many of her students, Miss Loi decided to pack up early and drove leisurely to a “leisure & lifestyle destination” in a remote part of Singapore to relax and spend some time by herself.

Seated by a table at the local McDonald’s, she was soon starkly reminded of the significance of the day amid scenes of lovey-dovey couples around her in various stages of companionship.

Her state of loneliness was emphasized 1 × 10⁶ times as she watched, with a tinge of envy and nostalgia, a couple shoving spoonfuls of McFlurry ice cream ‘romantically’ into each other’s mouths; a girl (pretending to be) pleasantly surprised by a bouquet of roses whipped out by her boyfriend … and a bunch of youths staring at her from two tables away.

After a thorough self-inspection of her face/eyes/hair/makeup/dress/shoes which failed to find any sort of stain that might have triggered their attention, she stared back at them in bewilderment.

But they simply continued to stare at her.

Feeling a bit annoyed by this, she stared back at them with greater ferocity and laser beams shooting out from her eyes.

Suddenly one of the youths stood up, walked towards her, and asked her in Hokkien,

Miss, why you stare at us huh? What’s your number?

Miss Loi blushed a little before replying shyly,

Ooh you’re rather direct aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re a little too young for me?

His voice took on a rather unfriendly tone.

We are from the 4455 Society! Which society are you from?

Huh? Umm … errr … I’m from the Joss Sticks Society. Please like my Facebook page when you visit

He looked a bit confused at first, but raised his voice nonetheless.

I’ve never heard of your stupid-sounding society, but this table belongs to our gang and society! Get lost now!

Boy was Miss Loi hopping mad now …

DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RUDE?! I didn’t know McDonald’s sold their tables to SILLY groups like yours with a SILLY boy band-sounding name!

At that precise moment, the entire tattoo-laden detachment from the 4455 boy band Society rose up from their table, brandishing their steely choppers.

Miss, you dare to insult our Society’s name! We will take you to our Big Boss and let him deal with you!

Sensing that something was obviously very wrong, Miss Loi slowly inched her way away from the table. Her tentative steps turned into a trot, and before long her Charles & Keith shoes were off as she broke her own speed record multiple times running at full throttle past terrified onlookers to escape the chasing pack of youths.

Thanks to her infamous sense of direction, however, her escape was brought to a screeching halt when she ran into a dead end – where she ended up with her back pressed to the wall, eyes shut and head tilted to one side as she awaited her impending fate at the hands of the slowly-approaching mob.

The elite 4455 Society (for illustrative purposes only)

STOP!!! This girl is mine!

A familiar face suddenly burst into the scene, surprising the mob.

I am a member of 4455. She is my girl. I will bring her to Big Boss myself!

Who are you? I’ve never seen you before. If you are really part of us then you should know our password.

…

Maybe you are still new. It’s OK, the password is the solution to this challenging indices question – which all 4455 members should know how to solve since ours is an elite society! 4455! 4455!

If 688^x = 32 and 43^y = 32, find the value of .

When Miss Loi tried to answer, she was firmly put in her place.

Shut up Miss! Only he can answer this! Don’t think you can even solve it in your lifetime looking at your bimbo Ah Lian face!

And so, can you help Smiling 哥 finally, finally attain his wish of becoming his 梦中情人 Miss Loi’s hero on Valentine’s Day?

4455! 4455!

P.S. Please note that Miss Loi & the Joss Sticks Society does NOT advocate nor condone any form of secret society activities in Singapore.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

WHAT?! You still haven’t changed to new currency notes yet?! Then where am I going to find the money for your cousin/niece/nephew/babies’ ang paos???!!!

And so by the wrath of her Almighty Dowager Mom, Miss Loi rushed to the banks at her Town Centre to exchange new notes.

But today being the last Friday of the week before Chinese New Year, most banks had already run out of new notes by the time she arrived.

Out of Stock

Those with new notes still available were easily distinguished by long snaking queues, along with a security guard who told her, with a pessimistic shake of the head, “There’ll be nothing left to exchange by the time you reach the counter, even if you’re brave enough to join the queue!“.

Wait long long …

Thus, like desperate Last-Minute Buddha Foot Huggers looking for tuition centres a week before their exams, Miss Loi joined the ranks of desperate uncles and aunties now roaming aimlessly from bank to bank like a flock of lost sheep.

Just when all hope seemed lost, a grating sound of opening gates was heard from the direction of one of the banks, followed by a shriek from one of the aunties.

In that heart stopping moment, a cat stopped its rummaging activity around a dustbin, and together with Miss Loi and the rest of the uncles and aunties, slowly turned their heads in unison towards the source of the sound …

… just in time to see a bank employee complete the pasting of a notice which basically said

The near-stampede that followed produced some of the most troubling scenes the Town Centre had ever witnessed, as everyone raced like a brigade of troopers towards the bank entrance, charging forward like no tomorrow in the name of duty, honour, and their babies’ 2011 Chinese New Year ang paos.

Just when the tussling horde was within touching distance of the entrance, a bank employee stepped out from behind those glass doors and shouted

Calm down everyone! We only have limited amounts of currency notes, but our bank’s resident Maths Guru have worked out a strategy that will serve as many of you as possible!

Each of you will be given a queue number, and you shall only enter when your number is called!

Please be patient! Your time will come!

Patience my friends! Your time will come! Your time will come!

But will there be anything left for her when her ‘time’ eventually comes?

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Falling magnanimously on a long weekend, it’s also the perfect opportunity for patriotic families to flee leave the country en masse, thereby affording Miss Loi the opportunity to scale down this weekend’s joss sticks sessions in exchange for more leisurely activities like watering her plants, folding her clothes, and heading to town to catch some fireworks display.

With her Woodlands Customs-trained bumper-to-bumper driving skills, she managed to navigate her way out of the ubiquitous traffic jams, and promptly found what was arguably the last vacant (and legal) parking lot deep in the lowest basement of a carpark. (Couldn’t just anyhow park at the roadside you see, even though it’s a holiday.)

Soon, she was standing among the huge crowd at a prime spot with eyes transfixed at the night sky. And before long …

Ooooooooh!!!!!

A collective cheer greeted the first of the fireworks as it lit up the sky.

AAAAhhhhhh!!!!!

Another one went up, streaking the heavens with brilliant y = k ln(x²), k ∈ ℝ arcs.

WAAAAhhhh!!!!!

The next one was fierce, with straight explosive y = kx, k ∈ ℝ lines shooting out in all directions.

ALAMAK!!!!!

The night sky masked the storm clouds. The electrifying atmosphere absorbed all scent of impending rain. So when it came, the sudden, massive downpour caught everyone by surprise, and Miss Loi became an instant panicky member of the “Forget to Bring Umbrella” Club as she scrambled her way to the nearest shelter.

Shivering in the confines of the shelter, she stood and watched with fear as little streams of water on the floor merged into a raging river, carrying away anything in its path that had a lower density than water. And then …

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

A sudden realization dawned upon her, and the scene in her mind shifted quickly from the flash flood before her to her hapless car parked “deep in the lowest basement”.

With history about to repeat itself, she sacrificed her Charles & Keith platform shoes (again) and ran in the relentless rain towards the direction of the carpark.

Her worst nightmare was realized when she found the entrance to the carpark cordoned off by the police, and she had to be subsequently restrained by the police officer when she tried to barge her way through.

Let me in! My car is at the basement! LET ME IN!!!

Mdm! Get a hold of yourself! The flood water is rising inside! It’s too dangerous!

Let me in! My insurance doesn’t cover “Acts of God”! Let me in!!!

and she began to wail uncontrollably.

Perhaps it was her poor 凄凉 face that moved him, or perhaps it was her eerie wailing voice (in combination with her ‘gothic’ look created by her melting makeup) that spooked him. Either way, the police officer softened his stance …

I think I know you. Aren’t you that famous Sunday Times Maths Super Tutor?

With that, the police officer held her shoulders, looked into her eyes and said,

Listen Mdm! This is a test of your understanding of the methods involved to obtain stationary points in a function! Do not use your illegal GC or exotic iPhone app to plot the curve as you won’t be able to obtain your answer this way!

Good luck and Happy National Day!

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

WARNING: Long rant ahead …

I don't have a picture of me but I find this taxi driver resembles me the most

Hello, my name is John and I’m a taxi driver.

Contrary to common misperception, I am really nice and will go the extra mile to make your journey a pleasant one. For instance, I will always greet you when you board my cab and will help carry your luggage (if any). Hence there’s absolutely no chance that I will ever be attacked by a celebrity. As a professional, I also take safety very seriously. To demonstrate my commitment, I often make the extra effort to travel at 20 km/h below the expressway’s speed limit, regardless of the lane I’m on.

When I’m not being the nice and professional taxi driver on the road, I spend 100% of my free time at my spanking sparkling HDB flat. I really like my flat and I think it’s the best. In fact, I love it so much I’ve done two major renovations on it within this year. Admittedly the resulting noise can sometimes be a little loud. But I’m sure my understanding neighbours (along with their crying babies) will find this minor sacrifice well worth it when they share my joy in seeing the finished product, coz my flat is the best.

One day, however, the world collapsed around me when a little wet patch was spotted on my perfect kitchen ceiling above my perfect kitchen cabinet to ruin my latest perfect renovation job. Though I don’t ever recall seeing that area being wet before my renovation began (and since time immemorial), my contractor was adamant the fault lies with my neighbour living above. I know that my honest contractor always tells the truth, and therefore must be trusted. Moreover, my flat is the best so the fault must definitely lie elsewhere.

After calling my neighbour (whom I later found out to be a mathematics tutor) daily once every 2 hours, I managed to arrange for my contractor to visit her home, where I have no doubt the problematic spot will be found. And she would then have to rectify it, so that my renovation job remains perfect, and my flat shall continue to be the best.

To my surprise, they couldn’t find any leak on her kitchen floor. I cannot accept this. Most likely they didn’t check properly due to too many things placed there. It is not supposed to end this way because my flat is the best.

Undeterred, I called the HDB daily once every 2 hours to arrange for an inspector to visit her home, where I have no doubt the problematic spot will be found. And she would then have to rectify it, so that my renovation job remains perfect, and my flat shall continue to be the best.

To my surprise, the HDB inspector couldn’t find any leak on her kitchen floor. I cannot accept this. Most likely he didn’t check properly due to too many things placed there. It is not supposed to end this way because my flat is the best.

Undeterred, I called the HDB daily once every 2 hours to ensure they remind my neighbour daily once every 2 hours to arrange for another visit to perform a series of tests on her kitchen floor. I was told these tests will result in her being unable to use her kitchen taps for 3 days. But I’m sure she won’t mind this minor inconvenience one bit, especially when she sees the completed renovation on my flat, which will be the best.

This time though, the tests (whatever they were) concluded that there might be a leak in a hidden pipe beneath her kitchen floor (though the exact location remains a mystery). I am overjoyed. Justice has prevailed! She MUST now rectify it ASAP, or risk not being invited to my show off housewarming party after the renovation is completed on my flat, which is the best.

Unfortunately my neighbour is seldom home so it is difficult to fix a time to resolve this. I cannot understand this. How busy can a mathematics tutor be? How can helping students excel in their mathematics exams be more important than fixing the little wet patch on my kitchen ceiling?

To make things worse she suddenly went missing for a week. I heard from another neighbour that she went on a shopping trip to Japan. I cannot accept this. Staring forlornly at the wet patch for hours end with concurrent thoughts of her happily shopping away in Japan was an experience I would never wish upon anyone. This has affected my work and in turn exposed me to the risk of being attacked by a celebrity.

To cut this long blog post short, I finally managed to fix a time with her upon her return. But not before giving her a lecture on how to be a good neighbour, with an emphasis on her obligation to inform me the next time prior to going overseas. At the same time, I wanted to counsel her to be more prudent with her money, not to waste it on useless things like shoes and clothes (though I’ll secretly admit she looks really sexy in them) when they could have been spent on better things like renovation.

However, I decided to tell this to her on another day as it was obvious she wasn’t on a good mood that day (nothing to do with me though) …

I immediately called my neighbour and asked her to solve the above problem for me but she said she was busy with her class before abruptly hanging up on me. Subsequent calls once every 2 hours were not picked up. I cannot accept this. How busy can a mathematics tutor be to the extent of not helping me solve a simple mathematical problem on demand? As such, I think she’s a really lousy mathematics tutor and I pity her students.

So if you’re reading this, can you help me solve the above problem so that I can inform that lousy mathematics tutor how much longer she is obliged to be at home for the work to be completed on the last day?

If you can do that, I may even invite you to my housewarming party when everything is done, where you can then have the rare privilege of admiring my flat, which will be the best of the best.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

They overturned every dustbin in the neighbourhood.

They harassed the MRT station staff, shopkeepers and students in the area.

They searched and scoured every corner of the district. (or so they thought)

But, despite sweeping through Novena like a Korean typhoon, Smiling 哥 and his ‘band of brothers’ were still none the wiser as to the location of the elusive Temple.

He was dead sure, though, it was in the vicinity – after he realized that his favourite Udders Ice Cream (and subsequently all shops in the area) possessed the same first three digits of that bogus postal code.

As fate would have it, a passing student was spotted holding a copy of Miss Loi’s exam papers (latest 2010 edition). And to cut the story short, a single scoop of Udders’ Rum Rum Raisin ice cream was intoxicating enough to quash what’s left of the student’s loyalty to The Maths Tutor

The forbidding 38 Steps to 'Salvation'

Thus before long, they arrived at the start of the 38 Steps, situated in the deepest and most ulu recess of the area, where a great sense of foreboding implored the party not to proceed further.

But there was no turning back now, and with great trepidation they took their first steps up the stairs, having no idea then of the horrors that were in store for them …

.

Ha ha ha ha ha …

A disembodied voice echoed chillingly through the stairway.

Suddenly one of the men let out shriek, before slumping to the ground muttering “log 0 … log 0 … ln 0 …”.

Mua ha ha ha ha ha …

Another one screamed hysterically, and stood frozen like a statue while crying “tan 90° … tan π/2 … tan 270° …”

Horrifying scenes reminiscent of Medusa’s Temple in Clash of the Titans ensued, as one by one his brave men fell, their weak PSLE-trained minds corrupted by sudden visions of mathematical expressions that would’ve induced “Math Error” messages in most MOE-approved calculators.

In the end, Smiling 哥 was the only man left standing before the Temple Gates, where he found himself firmly locked out.

Temple Fortification

You are not my student. You do not belong here at my Temple! Leave now before I turn you permanently into a Mathematical Constant!

Loi Loi! Let me in! I mean you no harm. My brothers need your help and salvation!

pleaded Smiling 哥 desperately.

LOI LOI IS FOR YOU TO CALL ONE MEH?!!!

thundered the voice *brief tremor*

But something about the 凄凉 way he pleaded moved her, and after a moment’s hesitation, the voice continued

The secret pin to unlock the Temple Gates is a very special four-digit number. If you subtract the five-digit number formed from adding a ’3′ after it, from another five-digit number formed from adding a ’3′ before it, you’ll get 3843.

Find this number and tell me why is it so special, and I *may* consider helping you.

Upon seeing his hapless look, the disembodied voice continued hauntingly

You look lost. Even my Sec One students will have no problem finding this number. Who ask you last time always skip math lessons? Huh? HUH?!

Seriously, you don’t really have much time left to tell me why is this number so special. Prepare to choose the symbol to represent yourself as a Mathematical Constant!

Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha …

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Let’s spin a globe
Find a place to go
Travel the world
We’ll take it slow
We’ll be as one
Everywhere we go
Under the stars
Our hearts will grow
As we move on impulse~!!

Heeding the imploring appeal from a track on Ah Lian DJ Loi’s playlist, Miss Loi decided on a ‘quickie’ getaway last week, to give herself a break after five months of non-stop joss sticks sessions, before the June holidays come to hammer present her with yet more grueling joss sticks sessions till the end of the year.

The ‘spin’ of the globe this time, however, brought her only as far as the neighbouring country to the north, and after stopping for a meal of bak kut teh at its spiritual home, she soon arrived at her final destination.

By the sea

A place by the sea …

Living on the edge

A retreat for her senses …

Staring at the sea … staring at the sand …

A place where she would find relaxation and escape from maddening students crowds …

Four’s already a crowd

And thus after dumping her luggage in her room, she wasted no time in heading straight for the spa beside her chalet to treat herself to a bit of holistic goodness and rejuvenate her body, mind and soul.

The Spa

Opting for an 1-hour session of their signature massage using their top-of-the-line aromatherapy signature oil, she soon found herself lying prone on a soft, narrow bed high above the sea.

Before long, top-of-the-line signature essential oil was being applied on her bare back, gently flowing across her body in harmony with the soothing piped-in spa music, a teasing precursor of what was to come.

Forgot to bring camera to spa
so this ‘blissful’ image will have to do

And then she was in spa heaven.

A chorus of gratitudes greeted her from every sore muscle in her svelte frame, as the masseur skillfully kneaded away the tight knots from back to front and head to toe.

For an hour, she was truly at one with her innermost senses. The worldly rigours of joss sticks sessions seemed so far away, and all that seemed to matter was the gentle strokes of the masseur and the sound of the waves slapping the stilts below. In fact, so tranquil was the experience that she even forgot (albeit temporarily) how to factorize quadratic equations and solve simultaneous equations with two unknowns.

Finished, Mdm.

It was over, all too soon.

Oh how she yearned for it to last just a little bit longer, to enjoy the feeling of being pampered once more – a sensation that would surely be but a distant fantasy when she returned to pamper coach her students at The Temple … and so …

Ooh your massage was heavenly! May I extend for another hour?

Thank you Mdm. Let me check with counter first. One moment please …

*dials phone*

[Translated from Bahasa Melayu]

Counter … counter … Room #123 wants to extend 1 hour. Boleh?

Nona, a Datuk is coming for massage later and our signature oil is running low.

You may extend your session but make sure you have at least 2 cm depth of oil left in your jar at the end of your session, because Datuk is XXXL size!

With that, the masseur Nona informed the eternally-grateful Miss Loi that her session had been extended, and proceeded to pour more oil on her back, carefully leaving just about 4 cm depth of oil in her conical jar ‘just to be safe’.

When Nona was finished with pouring the oil and placed the jar upright on the table, a sudden horrifying realization dawned upon her and she frantically dialed the phone again.

Counter! Counter! Your 2 cm depth of oil is measured from the tip or base of the jar?!

Alamak! Of course from the base lah! You goondu or what?!

Diagram I

The conical jar has a diameter of 10 cm and a height of 8 cm and is currently left with a depth of 4 cm of oil when inverted, as shown in Diagram I.

1. 1. Find the volume of oil in the jar, in terms of π.
   2. Find the surface area of the jar that is in contact with the oil.
2. When the jar is placed upright (see Diagram II), calculate the depth h of the oil in the jar.

Diagram II

Hence let Nona know if this is going to be her last massage at the spa.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Months later, in a tension-filled room …

This is the information they managed to extract from the Maths Tutor’s feisty aunty, before they got chased off by her reinforcement aunties via an intense attack of umbrellas, shoes, handbags etc. …

Even though most of them failed their PSLE math, this should really, really be a simple one.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

OH MY GOD! You haven’t changed at all since I last saw you years ago! Still look so young and pretty!

, exclaimed the well-dressed Tai-Tai A as she gave Tai-Tai B a big hug over a table at Starbucks.

Don’t flatter me lah. *Hiaz* My two kids have been giving me sleepless nights all this while. In fact, I’ve just seen the school principal after one of them was allegedly involved in a big fight in some rugby game *smacks forehead*

How’s life for you?

, asked Tai-Tai B.

Same old routine everyday. Shopping, gym and spa in the day. Mahjong at night if I can gather the girlfriends. Plus the occasional weekend shopping trip to Japan and Korea. Life’s getting boring to be honest.

, replied Tai-Tai A, as she twiddled her exquisitely manicured fingernails.

Wow enjoying life huh? I still have to take care of my two kids, and face my two parents-in-law every day as they are living with us in our HDB flat!

, protested Tai-Tai B.

Gosh you are still living with his parents??? My husband and I moved into our spanking new condo the day we got married. Till now no parents, no kids – just a new convertible sports car we bought last year Haha.

Tai-Tai A‘s fingers moved slowly to caress the 1-carat diamond on her ring.

Ooh I’m so envious! And to make things worse, I have to handle everything by myself every time my husband gets called up for those stupid NS stints!

, complained Tai-Tai B.

The you should have married a PR like what I’ve done! No NS! Hee hee …

It’s now Tai-Tai A‘s LV bag’s turn to be fondled.

Eh tomorrow’s tax filing deadline. You filed your taxes already?

Yes I just helped my husband calculate his income last night.

Oh so how much did your husband earn last year?

Errr … can don’t say or not? Embarassing lah especially when compared to yours! Let’s just say that his total tax payable is 4% of his total annual income.

Oh I see. We did ours last night too and my husband’s total tax payable is 6% of his total annual income. Oh well … earn more pay more … what to do? *Sigh*

As Tai-Tai B‘s face began turning green with jealousy, unbeknown to them, a kaypoh maths tutor had been busily eavesdropping on their entire conversation from the next table. And being unable to tolerate Tai-Tai A‘s hao lian bitchy attitude, she began to stroke the keys on her calculator in an attempt to find out exactly how much their husbands were earning …

By the way, Tai-Tai A just asked again …

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.