So it didn’t seem coincidental at all when Miss Loi got a call from her tiong chia (ala car modification) cousin from KL (Kuala Lumpur).

Oi Leng Lui! 这个礼拜雪邦那里有的去赛车。一起去要不要？几够力一下喔！

translated: “Hey Miss Loi! There’s an auto racing track day at Sepang this week. Shall we go together? Should be fun!”

Not passing up this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to test out her car’s new intake, exhaust, rims and brake pads, and recognizing there’s NO WAY test them (legally) on Singapore’s roads (nope not even on Singapore’s F1 ‘track’), she quickly agreed and headed to meet her cousin 280 km away at the next-nearest official F1 track – the world-famous Sepang International Circuit!

Where several kilometres of 15 scintillating turns lie in wait to challenge the boldest of all Ah Beng tiong chia kias and racer wannabes.

Sepang Internation Circuit (Ooh yeah!)

She soon found herself wandering along the pit area, where her senses were quickly overloaded as she came face-to-face with rare exotic sports cars of all shapes and sizes (and engine loudness).

Cars like these Sleek Lotuses …

The ubiquitous Honda Type Rs with their special R-Formula…

Porsches …

And even a flamin’ Lamborghini!

But when she got to these two fierce-looking WRXs however, a familiar voice boomed out across the pits, to her horror …

Twin Mean WRXs

Miss Loi! What are you doing here?!!!

It was her Japanese Project A bosses – the Takahashi Brothers!

How … how come the both of you are here? Where are your RX-7s???

Speaking through a translator who was present with them,

We are here to test our new WRXs. How dare you sneak out here without our knowledge! You must be severely punished for this!

No! Please forgive me! I’m here because I need a break from all the non-teaching duties I’ve been given! I’m a maths tutor not a MOE teacher!

pleaded a desperate Miss Loi, upon which younger brother Keisuke whispered something in Ryôsuke’s ear.

Well … since you’re already here … let’s have a little race. I will let you off this time if you can overtake the both of us before the track closes for the day.

Miss Loi had no choice. And thus without further ado, they hopped into their respective cars, donned their helmets …

Like a confident lamb to the slaughter

Filled the afternoon air with eager roars of their engines as they lined up and revved in anticipation …

Gentle(wo)men, Start Your Engines!

… of a race where no Sexy Maths Tutor had raced before.

BATTLE STAGE!

Predictably, the Takahashi Brothers pulled ahead right from the start, leaving Miss Loi trailing in their smoke as the monster WRXs disappeared swiftly into the distance.

To make matters worse, other cars were also zooming past her left, right and centre throughout the next couple of laps – as if she wasn’t there:

It was over before it even began, and a disconsolate Miss Loi limped her car around the track – resigned to whatever inhumane punishment that awaits her when she gets back to Singapore.

不是吧？Leng Lui 这么快就放弃了？你经常跟我说你怎么教你学生在考试里就算题目多么难也不得放弃！一定要尽力做下去。拿几分也好过交白卷！

translated: “Miss Loi are you giving up?! I thought you always teach your students NEVER GIVE UP no matter how difficult the questions in the exam appear to be? It’s better to score a few marks than hand up a blank piece of paper!”

It was her KL cousin speaking to her from the walkie talkie, having driven alongside her car on the track.

跟我来！让我这个大马车神教教你！

translated: “Follow me! And learn from the Car God of Malaysia!”

And so in what was an intensive Last-Minute Buddha Foot Hugging Jφss Sticks Session on track driving, Miss Loi followed her cousin’s car around the track, listening carefully and trying her utmost to follow his instructions that was bellowed through the walkie-talkie set.

After several hair-raising incidents when she doubted if she’ll ever make it back to Singapore to conduct her own Jφss Sticks Sessions, Miss Loi slowly but surely gained a measure of control of her car – like a rider taming a wild horse.

Soon she was feeling at one with the machine, flying through the track at speeds unheard of on Singapore’s roads (at least to her), emboldened by the comforting fact that there WON’T be a traffic police car lurking around the next bend, or a sneaky traffic warden snapping away behind some bushes.

Meanwhile the Takahashi Brothers, being many miles and laps ahead of her and confident that victory was in the bag, began to ease off and turned part of their attention to discuss (through their walkie-talkies) what punishment Miss Loi should receive when they get back to Singapore …

At this juncture, the Takahashi Brothers are lapping at a leisurely pace of 4 minutes per lap. They are 10 laps ahead of Miss Loi and are side by side with Miss Loi at the start of a new lap.

The following is Miss Loi’s speed-time graph for a single lap (Note: all acceleration and deceleration are linear, and readings are to be read off to the nearest half graphical unit):

Miss Loi's Sepang Speed-Time Graph (click to enlarge)

Assuming that the Takahashi Brothers’ and Miss Loi’s respective lap times remain unchanged for all laps henceforth, use the appropriate information from the graph to determine if Miss Loi is able to overtake the brothers if there are 90 minutes left before the track closes.

* Readers should be aware that some parts of this story are entirely fictitious, especially that speed-time graph!

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

“Miss Loi, I can’t come for tuition today! Coz … I … I … got a date ”

“Miss Loi, for the sake of my future PLEEEEEEZE excuse me from tuition today! I don’t wanna be a monk!”

“Miss Loi, today cannot come. Got char bor tonight.” *hangs up abruptly*

And so, armed with a sudden abundance of time after being predictably spurned by many of her students, Miss Loi decided to pack up early and drove leisurely to a “leisure & lifestyle destination” in a remote part of Singapore to relax and spend some time by herself.

Seated by a table at the local McDonald’s, she was soon starkly reminded of the significance of the day amid scenes of lovey-dovey couples around her in various stages of companionship.

Her state of loneliness was emphasized 1 × 10⁶ times as she watched, with a tinge of envy and nostalgia, a couple shoving spoonfuls of McFlurry ice cream ‘romantically’ into each other’s mouths; a girl (pretending to be) pleasantly surprised by a bouquet of roses whipped out by her boyfriend … and a bunch of youths staring at her from two tables away.

After a thorough self-inspection of her face/eyes/hair/makeup/dress/shoes which failed to find any sort of stain that might have triggered their attention, she stared back at them in bewilderment.

But they simply continued to stare at her.

Feeling a bit annoyed by this, she stared back at them with greater ferocity and laser beams shooting out from her eyes.

Suddenly one of the youths stood up, walked towards her, and asked her in Hokkien,

Miss, why you stare at us huh? What’s your number?

Miss Loi blushed a little before replying shyly,

Ooh you’re rather direct aren’t you? Don’t you think you’re a little too young for me?

His voice took on a rather unfriendly tone.

We are from the 4455 Society! Which society are you from?

Huh? Umm … errr … I’m from the Joss Sticks Society. Please like my Facebook page when you visit

He looked a bit confused at first, but raised his voice nonetheless.

I’ve never heard of your stupid-sounding society, but this table belongs to our gang and society! Get lost now!

Boy was Miss Loi hopping mad now …

DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RUDE?! I didn’t know McDonald’s sold their tables to SILLY groups like yours with a SILLY boy band-sounding name!

At that precise moment, the entire tattoo-laden detachment from the 4455 boy band Society rose up from their table, brandishing their steely choppers.

Miss, you dare to insult our Society’s name! We will take you to our Big Boss and let him deal with you!

Sensing that something was obviously very wrong, Miss Loi slowly inched her way away from the table. Her tentative steps turned into a trot, and before long her Charles & Keith shoes were off as she broke her own speed record multiple times running at full throttle past terrified onlookers to escape the chasing pack of youths.

Thanks to her infamous sense of direction, however, her escape was brought to a screeching halt when she ran into a dead end – where she ended up with her back pressed to the wall, eyes shut and head tilted to one side as she awaited her impending fate at the hands of the slowly-approaching mob.

The elite 4455 Society (for illustrative purposes only)

STOP!!! This girl is mine!

A familiar face suddenly burst into the scene, surprising the mob.

I am a member of 4455. She is my girl. I will bring her to Big Boss myself!

Who are you? I’ve never seen you before. If you are really part of us then you should know our password.

…

Maybe you are still new. It’s OK, the password is the solution to this challenging indices question – which all 4455 members should know how to solve since ours is an elite society! 4455! 4455!

If 688^x = 32 and 43^y = 32, find the value of .

When Miss Loi tried to answer, she was firmly put in her place.

Shut up Miss! Only he can answer this! Don’t think you can even solve it in your lifetime looking at your bimbo Ah Lian face!

And so, can you help Smiling 哥 finally, finally attain his wish of becoming his 梦中情人 Miss Loi’s hero on Valentine’s Day?

4455! 4455!

P.S. Please note that Miss Loi & the Joss Sticks Society does NOT advocate nor condone any form of secret society activities in Singapore.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

WHAT?! You still haven’t changed to new currency notes yet?! Then where am I going to find the money for your cousin/niece/nephew/babies’ ang paos???!!!

And so by the wrath of her Almighty Dowager Mom, Miss Loi rushed to the banks at her Town Centre to exchange new notes.

But today being the last Friday of the week before Chinese New Year, most banks had already run out of new notes by the time she arrived.

Out of Stock

Those with new notes still available were easily distinguished by long snaking queues, along with a security guard who told her, with a pessimistic shake of the head, “There’ll be nothing left to exchange by the time you reach the counter, even if you’re brave enough to join the queue!“.

Wait long long …

Thus, like desperate Last-Minute Buddha Foot Huggers looking for tuition centres a week before their exams, Miss Loi joined the ranks of desperate uncles and aunties now roaming aimlessly from bank to bank like a flock of lost sheep.

Just when all hope seemed lost, a grating sound of opening gates was heard from the direction of one of the banks, followed by a shriek from one of the aunties.

In that heart stopping moment, a cat stopped its rummaging activity around a dustbin, and together with Miss Loi and the rest of the uncles and aunties, slowly turned their heads in unison towards the source of the sound …

… just in time to see a bank employee complete the pasting of a notice which basically said

The near-stampede that followed produced some of the most troubling scenes the Town Centre had ever witnessed, as everyone raced like a brigade of troopers towards the bank entrance, charging forward like no tomorrow in the name of duty, honour, and their babies’ 2011 Chinese New Year ang paos.

Just when the tussling horde was within touching distance of the entrance, a bank employee stepped out from behind those glass doors and shouted

Calm down everyone! We only have limited amounts of currency notes, but our bank’s resident Maths Guru have worked out a strategy that will serve as many of you as possible!

Each of you will be given a queue number, and you shall only enter when your number is called!

Please be patient! Your time will come!

Patience my friends! Your time will come! Your time will come!

But will there be anything left for her when her ‘time’ eventually comes?

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

WARNING: Long rant ahead …

I don't have a picture of me but I find this taxi driver resembles me the most

Hello, my name is John and I’m a taxi driver.

Contrary to common misperception, I am really nice and will go the extra mile to make your journey a pleasant one. For instance, I will always greet you when you board my cab and will help carry your luggage (if any). Hence there’s absolutely no chance that I will ever be attacked by a celebrity. As a professional, I also take safety very seriously. To demonstrate my commitment, I often make the extra effort to travel at 20 km/h below the expressway’s speed limit, regardless of the lane I’m on.

When I’m not being the nice and professional taxi driver on the road, I spend 100% of my free time at my spanking sparkling HDB flat. I really like my flat and I think it’s the best. In fact, I love it so much I’ve done two major renovations on it within this year. Admittedly the resulting noise can sometimes be a little loud. But I’m sure my understanding neighbours (along with their crying babies) will find this minor sacrifice well worth it when they share my joy in seeing the finished product, coz my flat is the best.

One day, however, the world collapsed around me when a little wet patch was spotted on my perfect kitchen ceiling above my perfect kitchen cabinet to ruin my latest perfect renovation job. Though I don’t ever recall seeing that area being wet before my renovation began (and since time immemorial), my contractor was adamant the fault lies with my neighbour living above. I know that my honest contractor always tells the truth, and therefore must be trusted. Moreover, my flat is the best so the fault must definitely lie elsewhere.

After calling my neighbour (whom I later found out to be a mathematics tutor) daily once every 2 hours, I managed to arrange for my contractor to visit her home, where I have no doubt the problematic spot will be found. And she would then have to rectify it, so that my renovation job remains perfect, and my flat shall continue to be the best.

To my surprise, they couldn’t find any leak on her kitchen floor. I cannot accept this. Most likely they didn’t check properly due to too many things placed there. It is not supposed to end this way because my flat is the best.

Undeterred, I called the HDB daily once every 2 hours to arrange for an inspector to visit her home, where I have no doubt the problematic spot will be found. And she would then have to rectify it, so that my renovation job remains perfect, and my flat shall continue to be the best.

To my surprise, the HDB inspector couldn’t find any leak on her kitchen floor. I cannot accept this. Most likely he didn’t check properly due to too many things placed there. It is not supposed to end this way because my flat is the best.

Undeterred, I called the HDB daily once every 2 hours to ensure they remind my neighbour daily once every 2 hours to arrange for another visit to perform a series of tests on her kitchen floor. I was told these tests will result in her being unable to use her kitchen taps for 3 days. But I’m sure she won’t mind this minor inconvenience one bit, especially when she sees the completed renovation on my flat, which will be the best.

This time though, the tests (whatever they were) concluded that there might be a leak in a hidden pipe beneath her kitchen floor (though the exact location remains a mystery). I am overjoyed. Justice has prevailed! She MUST now rectify it ASAP, or risk not being invited to my show off housewarming party after the renovation is completed on my flat, which is the best.

Unfortunately my neighbour is seldom home so it is difficult to fix a time to resolve this. I cannot understand this. How busy can a mathematics tutor be? How can helping students excel in their mathematics exams be more important than fixing the little wet patch on my kitchen ceiling?

To make things worse she suddenly went missing for a week. I heard from another neighbour that she went on a shopping trip to Japan. I cannot accept this. Staring forlornly at the wet patch for hours end with concurrent thoughts of her happily shopping away in Japan was an experience I would never wish upon anyone. This has affected my work and in turn exposed me to the risk of being attacked by a celebrity.

To cut this long blog post short, I finally managed to fix a time with her upon her return. But not before giving her a lecture on how to be a good neighbour, with an emphasis on her obligation to inform me the next time prior to going overseas. At the same time, I wanted to counsel her to be more prudent with her money, not to waste it on useless things like shoes and clothes (though I’ll secretly admit she looks really sexy in them) when they could have been spent on better things like renovation.

However, I decided to tell this to her on another day as it was obvious she wasn’t on a good mood that day (nothing to do with me though) …

I immediately called my neighbour and asked her to solve the above problem for me but she said she was busy with her class before abruptly hanging up on me. Subsequent calls once every 2 hours were not picked up. I cannot accept this. How busy can a mathematics tutor be to the extent of not helping me solve a simple mathematical problem on demand? As such, I think she’s a really lousy mathematics tutor and I pity her students.

So if you’re reading this, can you help me solve the above problem so that I can inform that lousy mathematics tutor how much longer she is obliged to be at home for the work to be completed on the last day?

If you can do that, I may even invite you to my housewarming party when everything is done, where you can then have the rare privilege of admiring my flat, which will be the best of the best.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

They overturned every dustbin in the neighbourhood.

They harassed the MRT station staff, shopkeepers and students in the area.

They searched and scoured every corner of the district. (or so they thought)

But, despite sweeping through Novena like a Korean typhoon, Smiling 哥 and his ‘band of brothers’ were still none the wiser as to the location of the elusive Temple.

He was dead sure, though, it was in the vicinity – after he realized that his favourite Udders Ice Cream (and subsequently all shops in the area) possessed the same first three digits of that bogus postal code.

As fate would have it, a passing student was spotted holding a copy of Miss Loi’s exam papers (latest 2010 edition). And to cut the story short, a single scoop of Udders’ Rum Rum Raisin ice cream was intoxicating enough to quash what’s left of the student’s loyalty to The Maths Tutor

The forbidding 38 Steps to 'Salvation'

Thus before long, they arrived at the start of the 38 Steps, situated in the deepest and most ulu recess of the area, where a great sense of foreboding implored the party not to proceed further.

But there was no turning back now, and with great trepidation they took their first steps up the stairs, having no idea then of the horrors that were in store for them …

.

Ha ha ha ha ha …

A disembodied voice echoed chillingly through the stairway.

Suddenly one of the men let out shriek, before slumping to the ground muttering “log 0 … log 0 … ln 0 …”.

Mua ha ha ha ha ha …

Another one screamed hysterically, and stood frozen like a statue while crying “tan 90° … tan π/2 … tan 270° …”

Horrifying scenes reminiscent of Medusa’s Temple in Clash of the Titans ensued, as one by one his brave men fell, their weak PSLE-trained minds corrupted by sudden visions of mathematical expressions that would’ve induced “Math Error” messages in most MOE-approved calculators.

In the end, Smiling 哥 was the only man left standing before the Temple Gates, where he found himself firmly locked out.

Temple Fortification

You are not my student. You do not belong here at my Temple! Leave now before I turn you permanently into a Mathematical Constant!

Loi Loi! Let me in! I mean you no harm. My brothers need your help and salvation!

pleaded Smiling 哥 desperately.

LOI LOI IS FOR YOU TO CALL ONE MEH?!!!

thundered the voice *brief tremor*

But something about the 凄凉 way he pleaded moved her, and after a moment’s hesitation, the voice continued

The secret pin to unlock the Temple Gates is a very special four-digit number. If you subtract the five-digit number formed from adding a ’3′ after it, from another five-digit number formed from adding a ’3′ before it, you’ll get 3843.

Find this number and tell me why is it so special, and I *may* consider helping you.

Upon seeing his hapless look, the disembodied voice continued hauntingly

You look lost. Even my Sec One students will have no problem finding this number. Who ask you last time always skip math lessons? Huh? HUH?!

Seriously, you don’t really have much time left to tell me why is this number so special. Prepare to choose the symbol to represent yourself as a Mathematical Constant!

Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha …

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Let’s spin a globe
Find a place to go
Travel the world
We’ll take it slow
We’ll be as one
Everywhere we go
Under the stars
Our hearts will grow
As we move on impulse~!!

Heeding the imploring appeal from a track on Ah Lian DJ Loi’s playlist, Miss Loi decided on a ‘quickie’ getaway last week, to give herself a break after five months of non-stop joss sticks sessions, before the June holidays come to hammer present her with yet more grueling joss sticks sessions till the end of the year.

The ‘spin’ of the globe this time, however, brought her only as far as the neighbouring country to the north, and after stopping for a meal of bak kut teh at its spiritual home, she soon arrived at her final destination.

By the sea

A place by the sea …

Living on the edge

A retreat for her senses …

Staring at the sea … staring at the sand …

A place where she would find relaxation and escape from maddening students crowds …

Four’s already a crowd

And thus after dumping her luggage in her room, she wasted no time in heading straight for the spa beside her chalet to treat herself to a bit of holistic goodness and rejuvenate her body, mind and soul.

The Spa

Opting for an 1-hour session of their signature massage using their top-of-the-line aromatherapy signature oil, she soon found herself lying prone on a soft, narrow bed high above the sea.

Before long, top-of-the-line signature essential oil was being applied on her bare back, gently flowing across her body in harmony with the soothing piped-in spa music, a teasing precursor of what was to come.

Forgot to bring camera to spa
so this ‘blissful’ image will have to do

And then she was in spa heaven.

A chorus of gratitudes greeted her from every sore muscle in her svelte frame, as the masseur skillfully kneaded away the tight knots from back to front and head to toe.

For an hour, she was truly at one with her innermost senses. The worldly rigours of joss sticks sessions seemed so far away, and all that seemed to matter was the gentle strokes of the masseur and the sound of the waves slapping the stilts below. In fact, so tranquil was the experience that she even forgot (albeit temporarily) how to factorize quadratic equations and solve simultaneous equations with two unknowns.

Finished, Mdm.

It was over, all too soon.

Oh how she yearned for it to last just a little bit longer, to enjoy the feeling of being pampered once more – a sensation that would surely be but a distant fantasy when she returned to pamper coach her students at The Temple … and so …

Ooh your massage was heavenly! May I extend for another hour?

Thank you Mdm. Let me check with counter first. One moment please …

*dials phone*

[Translated from Bahasa Melayu]

Counter … counter … Room #123 wants to extend 1 hour. Boleh?

Nona, a Datuk is coming for massage later and our signature oil is running low.

You may extend your session but make sure you have at least 2 cm depth of oil left in your jar at the end of your session, because Datuk is XXXL size!

With that, the masseur Nona informed the eternally-grateful Miss Loi that her session had been extended, and proceeded to pour more oil on her back, carefully leaving just about 4 cm depth of oil in her conical jar ‘just to be safe’.

When Nona was finished with pouring the oil and placed the jar upright on the table, a sudden horrifying realization dawned upon her and she frantically dialed the phone again.

Counter! Counter! Your 2 cm depth of oil is measured from the tip or base of the jar?!

Alamak! Of course from the base lah! You goondu or what?!

Diagram I

The conical jar has a diameter of 10 cm and a height of 8 cm and is currently left with a depth of 4 cm of oil when inverted, as shown in Diagram I.

1. 1. Find the volume of oil in the jar, in terms of π.
   2. Find the surface area of the jar that is in contact with the oil.
2. When the jar is placed upright (see Diagram II), calculate the depth h of the oil in the jar.

Diagram II

Hence let Nona know if this is going to be her last massage at the spa.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Months later, in a tension-filled room …

This is the information they managed to extract from the Maths Tutor’s feisty aunty, before they got chased off by her reinforcement aunties via an intense attack of umbrellas, shoes, handbags etc. …

Even though most of them failed their PSLE math, this should really, really be a simple one.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

OH MY GOD! You haven’t changed at all since I last saw you years ago! Still look so young and pretty!

, exclaimed the well-dressed Tai-Tai A as she gave Tai-Tai B a big hug over a table at Starbucks.

Don’t flatter me lah. *Hiaz* My two kids have been giving me sleepless nights all this while. In fact, I’ve just seen the school principal after one of them was allegedly involved in a big fight in some rugby game *smacks forehead*

How’s life for you?

, asked Tai-Tai B.

Same old routine everyday. Shopping, gym and spa in the day. Mahjong at night if I can gather the girlfriends. Plus the occasional weekend shopping trip to Japan and Korea. Life’s getting boring to be honest.

, replied Tai-Tai A, as she twiddled her exquisitely manicured fingernails.

Wow enjoying life huh? I still have to take care of my two kids, and face my two parents-in-law every day as they are living with us in our HDB flat!

, protested Tai-Tai B.

Gosh you are still living with his parents??? My husband and I moved into our spanking new condo the day we got married. Till now no parents, no kids – just a new convertible sports car we bought last year Haha.

Tai-Tai A‘s fingers moved slowly to caress the 1-carat diamond on her ring.

Ooh I’m so envious! And to make things worse, I have to handle everything by myself every time my husband gets called up for those stupid NS stints!

, complained Tai-Tai B.

The you should have married a PR like what I’ve done! No NS! Hee hee …

It’s now Tai-Tai A‘s LV bag’s turn to be fondled.

Eh tomorrow’s tax filing deadline. You filed your taxes already?

Yes I just helped my husband calculate his income last night.

Oh so how much did your husband earn last year?

Errr … can don’t say or not? Embarassing lah especially when compared to yours! Let’s just say that his total tax payable is 4% of his total annual income.

Oh I see. We did ours last night too and my husband’s total tax payable is 6% of his total annual income. Oh well … earn more pay more … what to do? *Sigh*

As Tai-Tai B‘s face began turning green with jealousy, unbeknown to them, a kaypoh maths tutor had been busily eavesdropping on their entire conversation from the next table. And being unable to tolerate Tai-Tai A‘s hao lian bitchy attitude, she began to stroke the keys on her calculator in an attempt to find out exactly how much their husbands were earning …

By the way, Tai-Tai A just asked again …

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

Continuing from last week’s episode …

The shadows lengthened rapidly as dusk began to fall.

The *clack clack clack* of the Maths Tutor’s killer 5-inch Jimmy Choo stilettos echoed off the concrete walls as she made her way towards the elevator down the corridor, each step an excruciating twist of an imaginary dagger deeper into his wounded heart.

The Ah Beng cut a lonely figure as he watched, forlornly, her lithe figure receding gradually into the distance … along with his hopes … leaving him with a profound feeling of loss …

But loss often leads to suffering, suffering leads to anger, and anger leads to hate. And suddenly a voice whispered in his head,

Oh my mighty Smiling 哥 of this sprawling GRC, how can you stomach this? No one here has ever said NO to you! What would the others say?

He eyes began to narrow as he unwittingly gripped the mandarin orange tighter and tighter …

Remember what the Maths Tutor taught her students? When all seem lost and no matter how difficult the exam is, never hand in a blank paper! At least write something to score some working marks! NEVER GIVE UP!!!

Consumed by the Dark Side rage, he crushed the poor mandarin orange and threw it violently to the floor (to the shock of the watching kaypoh aunties), and decided that not only will he NOT give up, he’ll make sure he gets his Maths Tutor by any means necessary.

.
.
.

Meanwhile the sickening sound of that splattered mandarin orange startled the Maths Tutor, who couldn’t wait for the elevator door to open while the Ah Beng calmly began calling his henchmen on his phone …

As all his usual henchmen are busily gambling away at the new Sentosa Casino, the only one available is a young fresh ‘recruit’ who happens to be hanging around nearby.

The Young Henchman

From the GPS application on his phone, the Ah Beng marks out his HDB flat’s location as X. His lone henchman is currently situated at Y which is due east of X. He spots the Maths Tutor’s car parked at Z which is on a bearing 210° from X. X, Y and Z all lie on horizontal ground. The Maths Tutor enters the elevator at a point T which is directly and vertically above X, with the angle of elevation of T from Y being 17°. On his GPS map with a scale of 1 : 5000, XY = 5 cm and XZ = 6 cm.

To catch the Maths Tutor, the henchman needs to reach her car at Z before she does. But the henchman is unfamiliar with the territory, and only has a small 20-cent compass he extorted from a kid in the neighbourhood. Find

1. the actual distance between Y and Z (in m).
2. the bearing he must tell his henchman in order for the latter to locate the car.

Assuming the henchman sets off for the car at a constant speed of 3 m/s along YZ the moment the elevator (with the tutor on board) begins its uninterrupted descent from T at a constant speed of 1.9 m/s to the ground floor at X, afterwhich she removes her Jimmy Choos and runs straight for the car along XZ at a constant speed of 2.5 m/s, who will reach the car first?

Will Loi Loi escape? Or will Smiling 哥 finally have her in his clutches?

Stay tuned for the next episode after someone solves the (cheong hei) math questions above!

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.

The Ah Beng’s sprawling
(& fully-upgraded) territory

He surveyed his vast territory from the common corridor of his HDB flat, watching families going about their Chinese New Year visits, and young couples strolling along with their Valentine’s Day bouquets in hand.

The years had been good to him, as the Ah Beng rose and rose through the ranks of his secret society to become the dreaded right-hand man of his Triad Chief, having applied the mathematical skills he had picked up to impress with his lightning speed of calculating exorbitant compound interests for the entire loan shark network, and his ability to deduce (using mensuration formulae) with frightening accuracy the exact volume of paint needed to be splashed on each victim’s door to avoid accidental damage to neighbouring property.

But despite his stellar career in a finance industry that would’ve made some L1R5 ≤ 6 pts students green with envy, there remained a sense of emptiness that gnawed at his heart …

AIYOOOOOOOO!!!!!

A pesky voice jolted him from his reverie.

You are still single?????! When are you going to find a husband?!

Sufficiently intrigued, he walked to the HDB unit where the commotion came from, and peered through the window panes, just like the old days.

Better quickly find a boyfriend while you are still pretty! Your cousin Ling Ling’s already pregnant with her second child!

In a typical Hong Kong drama scene when the 插曲 (i.e. secondary track) usually starts playing, the Ah Beng‘s heart skipped a beat when he found himself staring at a woman seated in the room – the sole reason for his feeling of emptiness all these years. And though she was beginning to look a bit rough on the edges, she was still as stunning to him as when he first set eyes on her many years ago (thanks to the facial products she has been using).

So when are you planning to get married? Don’t you think you’re too old for ang bao???

As she started to look helplessly distressed in the face of her relatives’ relentless interrogation, he sensed that it was now or never. And so in a classic 不管三七二十一 (don’t-care-3-7-21) moment, he barged into the room to yell in perfect Hokkien

I AM HER BOYFRIEND!

After a prolonged period of awkward silence, one of the aunties recovered from the shock and muttered

Aiyoh got boyfriend already don’t be shy to tell us lah! By the way, what’s your name and occupation Handsome?

Recognizing that “Triad Chief’s right-hand man” won’t be an appropriate answer on this occasion, the Ah Beng smiled and confidently replied with the first occuption that crossed his mind

Everyone calls me ‘Smiling 哥’. I am a Maths Tutor.

Oooh you’re a Maths tutor too just like my Loi Loi? Such a match made in Heaven!

By the way if you don’t mind, I have a maths question that has been troubling me all night. Should be chicken feed to a maths expert like you!

Given that the Ah Beng‘s maths has become rusty ever since he delegated most of his calculation tasks to his runners after he became the right-hand man (see, maths is all about constant practice!), can you please do a good deed on this Chinese New Year/Valentine’s Day to help him get out of this fix???

P.S. ‘Smiling 哥’ actually turned desperately to look at the real maths tutor for help, but all he got was a fierce glance from an angry Loi Loi, since afterall, she had no idea who he was.

© 2007-2011 Jφss Sticks. Copycats will be mercilessly hunted down.